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Life as I knew it.

The deepest conversations are moving, inspired, and sometimes touchy. Take a break from the bustling world for a minute and speak from the heart.

Life as I knew it.

Postby Luigi_Freak_The_23rd » Wed Apr 30, 2014 12:59 am

Here's a thing I wrote a few months ago out of frustration.

I think we all go through a point in our lives when we realize that that thing we always wanted as a kid, to grow up so you could do “whatever you wanted” is actually not as great as it was hyped up to be. Something just clicks and suddenly you’re really scared, really afraid about your uncertain future and what it holds for you.

I think most people start going through this in high school when they realize growing up means you have to actually get good grades and then get a good paying job… for the rest of your life. It’s a scary thought. I don’t know about anyone else, but up until that point I never thought about it at all. Nothing ever clicked with me. I saw all these people who already knew what they were going to do in life and were so excited about college, and here I am, a Junior/Senior in high school, being excited for summer vacation so I don’t have to deal with school for another 3 months. So I can have all the time in the world to do absolutely nothing. And I still have this problem.

In high school I think having friends is an important thing, I think friends have a lot of influence on you and can teach you better life lessons than your parents can sometimes. Now before I say this I don’t mean to say it in a downer way, but back in high school I didn’t have any friends. And still now the closest people that I call my best friends I have met all on the internet.
In most cases when someone says that they didn’t have any friends in high school, the response is usually pity, or something just as negative. I’m kind of sick of it since I never mean it in a negative way at all. During high school I just wasn’t interested in making friends at all. I mean yeah being very shy and quiet helped a lot, but mostly all I cared about was my free time at home. The perfect day for me was always on a Saturday, with no school, all to myself and to my video games, tv shows, internet, ect.

Most people when they talked to me got that weird awkward feeling just because… I was weird and awkward. But they also put me into this stereo type where they thought that I was a straight ‘A’ student because I was quiet all the time, that I was some kind of super nerd. Not the case, I just didn’t care. I have a serious case of not caring at all, to the point where people think I’m depressed (Which I’m not by the way). I was one of those people who hated school not because I was lonely or something like that, but because it was really boring, and it cut from my free time. I barely cared about my grades at all, and in class instead of paying attention I would pull out my notebook and draw silly comics about whatever or just daydream. I just simply didn’t care.

Because in the back of my mind, for some reason, I thought that after high school, that I was free. Ever since elementary school, the one goal I had in life was just to graduate so I could have all the free time in the world. You see, in my little world back as a kid I thought the world was that simple. I would graduate and never have to worry about anything ever again. I would wake up do whatever I wanted and go back to sleep so I could do it again the next day… for the rest of my life. It was a silly little thing I thought back as a kid but it subconsciously carried over into high school and even after I graduated. I read once in my school newspaper how this writer was sad that his high school life was coming to an end and how he was going to move out and get a job and start college. I thought at the time that the article was silly, and even though I was the same age as this student, how I was going to spend my summer just doing whatever I wanted.

I don’t know why it never hit me that life just wasn’t a free ride to do whatever you wanted, but it just never did. I think part of this reason was because I didn’t have friends. Like I said before I think friends give you a lot of experience and knowledge for the future, and even though I actually don’t know for sure, it’s the only way I can explain it. I imagine friends have fun at school and out of school and then they’ll get close enough when they go to each other for advice and dealing with drama. I’m sure most people have had more deep conversations about the future with their friends instead of with family.

Up until this point I’ve never really had any drama in my life and I’ve never really had a serious conversation with anyone, no one to talk about the future with. It sounds crazy but I really thought, or maybe just didn’t think about, that I would just somehow have all of this free time for the rest of my life.

I can still remember the day I finally realized that everything I knew was different from what reality actually was. I had gotten a job at Wendy’s after graduating from high school and I was working there full time. My schedule was all mixed up, I would work from 6 to 2 AM and then work the next morning 4 hours later. I would work for sometimes 8 days in a row with 9 hour days. But whatever, I was making money and I was just taking it as it went on, I was exhausted but I didn’t really think about it (story of my life).

But one day as I was getting ready for work it hit me like a ton of bricks. “Am I going to be doing this for the rest of my life?” It hit me so hard that I just froze for a few minutes in horror. Suddenly everything made sense. Why my mom and dad and everyone else went to work, why everyone in school was trying so hard to get good grades, it’s not because they wanted to, but because they had to. I was so horrified that my life had come to this. It’s easy to say but hard to portray how horrified I was. That particular day of work dragged on for so long because I was just thinking so much about my life, to the point where it affected my work, as I was performing pretty poorly. I still remembered the conversation I had with my boss at the end of work that day. The thought hit me and it scared me so badly that I ended up quitting a month or two later after working there for only 9 months.

And even now I’m having trouble grasping reality. I’ve had a couple of other jobs here or there but they never last long. Currently I am unemployed and still haven’t gone to college, even though I plan on it. My whole life I guess I’ve just been waiting for something important to happen to me. I am 21 years old and I still have fantasies about me suddenly having to save the city from a huge disaster. As silly as it sounds a part of me still wants those fantasies to happen, I want something to suddenly happen to me so I suddenly matter. I like to call this main character syndrome, where one day your average life is interrupted by something unexplainable and you suddenly gain super powers and it’s up to you to be your city's superman. But something like that will never happen. The world doesn’t work that way. Nothing just suddenly falls into your lap for free. It’s difficult for me to grasp that the things I’ve been thinking and daydreaming about for so long will just never happen. All of this has been such a big problem for me over the past few years but I can't ever talk to anyone about it because how can I? Whenever I bring it up in conversation they look at my like I'm stupid, like I should have figured this out a looong time ago. They don't seem to share my difficulties or struggles, or just simply say it's "a part of life" and end the conversation there, still leaving me frustrated.

So where do I go from here? Over the years I found out that I have a passion for animation. I love cartoons and anime, and I always think about creating something for everyone to see. But another problem shows up because I haven't picked up a pencil and drew in years, and when I did draw it was always stick figures. I’ve also never touched flash or anything of the sort. I’m going to try to find classes in college about it to get started and hope I can get better at it. Because… even though I love doing nothing… I’m sick of doing it with my life.

I want to one day wake up, possible next to someone I like, and get up to get ready for work, take a shower, comb my hair, brush my teeth. And then I want to look in the mirror and look at myself and realize that I’m not a kid anymore. I want to reflect on my life until that point and remember how easy my life was. I want it to hit me that those days are passed, but that it’s a good thing. I want to leave the door for work and think to myself that life really isn’t so bad.

But right now it’s very difficult for me to think that way.
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Luigi_Freak_The_23rd wrote:Poor Watermelon gods couldn't didn't see it coming

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Re: Life as I knew it.

Postby Basilikos » Wed Apr 30, 2014 10:27 pm

I sort of feel like it's inappropriate for me to answer, since I'm currently at the "high school senior with no idea what to do post-college" phase you mentioned, but anyway... (I'm typing this as I think, so bear with me)

I'm speaking from a near-polar opposite viewpoint here, but education was (read: is) super-duper important to me: it was quite a reality check to finally understand why my parents were always mis-adding when trying to budget bills and whatnot for the next month when I was a high school freshman. So sure, I have the motivation to get good grades, but what am I supposed to do with a cluster of letters?

I can empathize with the fear: I'm staring down the barrel of a college admit letter without any idea with what I want to do at the college, or even after. It's even more demoralizing when you see your friends with concrete plans and all you can really muster when they ask you is a tinny "I dunno yet". I've distracted myself with the schoolwork in front of me, but I know that's going to end when the tassel is turned, and then what? I'm not sure if I'm afraid to do nothing, or just afraid to think about what comes after the tunnel vision fades out into the summer. As it stands, I'm too busy with today to even worry about tomorrow, and I know that's probably a bad thing, but the alternative seems much too scary.

[/empathy rant]

So you said you typed this out a couple of months ago. What's happening now then? (if you don't mind the intrusion)
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Re: Life as I knew it.

Postby Star125 » Fri May 02, 2014 12:18 pm

I see we're very similar. I also had a similar mindset in high school, where my only goal was to graduate. Though the reason why I didn't have any friends wasn't that I didn't want to make friends. I went through school wishing I had friends but making friends was just too hard for me. That's part of the reason why I quit college. The other reason was that I wasn't motivated at all. I didn't know what I wanted to at that time, so I had no goal to work towards. I was just in college because that's what I thought you're supposed to do after high school. I ended up wasting a lot of my parents' money because of my failure in college, and I've felt really guilty about that ever since, which is part of the reason why I'm hesitant to go back to college.
The underlying problem throughout my life has been my anxiety. It's the reason why I can't make friends, and the reason why everything seems to be so much harder for me. I won't be able to get anywhere in life until I overcome this problem. I've had an official diagnosis and I'm seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist currently. Right now I'm just trying some different medications until I find one that works. I wish it was as easy as finding a magic pill that will just get rid of my anxiety and give me lots of motivation, but I know that it's not that simple. I'm going to have to put in some work to get over my problems, and right now, I'm not working hard enough. I've grown so accustomed to being lazy and unmotivated all the time, that doing anything that's hard work is really really hard for me. My life is never going to get better until I'm able to work hard for things, and I know that, but changing your very way of life is just really hard!

I commend you Jacob for having a job. Getting a job would be a great step forward for me but right now it's just too hard for me. Right now I'm just taking really small steps, like writing this out. Hopefully I'll try to write more often. That can be my goal for now.
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Re: Life as I knew it.

Postby JBDCool » Fri May 02, 2014 10:12 pm

Star, I went though a lot of what you did too. I just didn't know how to make friends in high school and I had no idea what I wanted to do when I got into college. I thought I wanted to go into developing video games but I was at the wrong school for it and my parents werent willing to spend the money to send me to the right one once I realized that. I tried doing programming but just never truly did well enough. I failed out of computer science and moved back home to enroll at a local college. I got a two year degree there but it seemed useless to me, partly because I breezed through most my classes. I tried to commute to a larger campus for a four year degree, but that was the year I got together with my then-girlfriend-now-wife and I was so excited to have some sort of direct human friendship that I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible and blew off my course work. I failed every single class that semester.

Now I have been working as a Walmart cashier for six and a half years. I have three kids and I barely have enough time at home. I make just enough to make ends meet. I would love to go back to school for something but I lack the time and I still dont know what I'd go for. However I wish I could find some kind of job that I enjoy and that would help me provide my kids with everything I want to give them.
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